May 4, 2008 - I had an experience with God that left me rolling on the floor of the church. Good thing I was wearing a skirt that day. The nice charismatic pentecostal people were decent enough to put some kind of cloth over my skirt to make sure I didn't show my goods to unsuspecting church patrons.
That started this journey that I was unaware I even needed to go on. All I knew at that point was that I needed more of HIM.
Soon after, I began to get a feeling like fire in my chest whenever we would worship.
I didn't know what to do with that.
See, I didn't like to look stupid. And to me, raising my arms and jumping around like those other people made me look stupid.
Well, eventually the fire in my chest took over and I turned into one of those people. I looked forward to worship like it was Christmas. It was my favorite part of church. It was where I experienced the presence of God. I became a worship addict. I started buying up all the worship albums I could find. All I wanted to do was sit in the presence of the Lord.
I loved how the Spirit showed up in worship at my Assemblies of God church. I loved the freedom. I loved that I could jump around like a fool and get lost in the presence of the Father.
And then...
I found out about (dun dun dun) The WORLD RACE. In a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, I found myself committed to going.
(Insert expectations here) I was going on a fabulous trip with a bunch of wild, crazy for Jesus, young people. We were going to have some INSANE worship times. We were going to change the world. We were going to get lost in the Spirit in 11 countries over the span of 11 months.
And then....
I found myself on the World Race, with a bunch of strangers who did not see worship the same way I did. Most of the time we sat on the floor and sang very softly. There was very little of the jumping around and crazy "freedom" I had come to expect worship to look like.
The problem was: I didn't know how to find God any other way but the way I had just learned. So if I couldn't find him by being able to worship the way I wanted to worship, then how was I supposed to experience intimacy with Him?
I was so frustrated. Like a child who doesn't get her way, I stomped and huffed and puffed to God about how I just wanted to worship him and he put me with this group of low key, Kumbaya singing, laid back worshipers.
Really, God was teaching me to find him in new ways. I soon began to have these incredible revelations every single time I read my Bible. God began to speak volumes to me while I was journaling. I was beginning to find him in different places.
Of course, the whole time, I was just longing to get back into a crazy worship environment. And....I got my wish.
One month after I got home from the WR, I went to a training camp for world racers going out that summer. Jonathan David Helser was leading worship. And...well...it got crazy. And I was in "heaven". I was so excited to FINALLY be back in an environment where I could experience God like I was used to experiencing him.
During those 10 days, God told me that he was going to take me on a journey to learn what intimacy looked like. And he said that it wouldn't look like it used to look. He said that the things that used to "work" were no longer going to "work".
Great.
Soon after, I found myself leading a group of college-aged women on a trip to India. I had no idea what I was doing. The led me to the point of desperation for more of God. I asked God to show me something about intimacy and then he told me to read John 20.
If you haven't read John 20 lately, I'll tell you what its about. Mary Magdalene shows up at the tomb after Jesus is raised from the dead. She sees the empty tomb and starts crying. She even sees Jesus, but she doesn't recognize him. She doesn't know it is him until her calls her by name. Then she runs to him and worships him.
"What does that have to do with intimacy?", you might ask. As did I.
God said to me, through that story, that I will not always be able to find him in the place that I left him. I will constantly have to be listening for his voice. When I hear it, I need to run after it.
And then...he gradually began to stop talking to me in all the ways that I had learned. Reading my Bible didn't take me to the same place. Journaling didn't help anymore. I found myself leading another trip and having a harder and harder time finding that intimate place with the Lord.
This is where the green chair comes in.
I lived in Gainesville, GA for about 7 months of my life. And during those 7 months, God officially had stopped showing up in any of the places I had previously left him. The ONLY thing he kept saying to me was, "rest".
I had a big, green chair in my room. And as I began to give up on finding God, I began to find him. In my green chair. In my room. By myself. Those were some of the best worship times I have ever had.
(My green chair looks nothing like this....but i didn't have a picture)
There was no crazy worship music. I wasn't reading my Bible. God wasn't talking to me and I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't getting prophetic words for people or deep revelations from the Bible. I was just sitting my my chair. And God was hanging out with me. And it changed me. It changed everything I had been trying to change myself. In those times, truth found its way from my head to my heart. It was awesome.
And then I got sucked through a vortex of change. And here I am, in Thailand, with no green chair. I share a room. There are people EVERYWHERE. There is no place to go to shut the world out. There is no big green chair. And that is all I want. I just want to close my door, sit in my chair, and hang out with Jesus. And I can't do it. It just isn't possible.
So I find myself, yet again, in a place where I can't find Jesus where I left him. I have to listen for where he is calling me to next.
And I can say that the most intimate times I have had with the Lord since I have been in Thailand have been in moments of prayer with other people. Which is funny, because if you know me, you know that I think I suck at prayer. I don't like to pray with people. I don't like to pray out loud...ever. And these are the times where God has been showing up in me.
There doesn't seem to be much faith involved in finding Jesus where we know we can find him. So he doesn't like to ever leave us where we are at. He always wants to take us deeper. He always wants more of us. So eventually, we have to abandon what we think we know to dive deeper into Him.
I did something stupid. I said something stupid. I was angry, hurt, emotional, and full of fear. I spoke from a place of insecurity I was unfair. And I'm SO SORRY!
Ever been there?
Yeah, me too. A lot.
I have also developed great ways to adapt. I don't like to hurt people. And people don't like to be hurt. So, obviously, once a hurtful mistake has been made, the friendship is over. Right?
My instinct is to cut and run. I mean, you are probably mad at me anyway, so I might as well just walk away before you push me away. I reject you before you reject me. It just makes me feel better.
If that doesn't do it, I almost always get to a point where I just decide that I'm too much of a mess to be your friend. I decide that you shouldn't have to deal with all the crap I'm carrying around. I decide that it would be much better for you if we were not friends. And so I just walk away.
So I either run away or push you away because I decide that you just shouldn't have to handle my crap. (If you didn't know it, this makes me the bigger person)
All of my decisions are based on the fact that you are angry with me and that you really don't want to be my friend. In the past, it rarely occurred to me that anybody would think any other way.
You know what messed me up?
Love and Grace.
I have this friend who loved me when I didn't deserve it. And it changed me.
I screwed up. I got emotional and said some dumb stuff. I thought that I had just ruined our friendship.
But you know what she did?
She told me that everything was going to be ok. When I spoke death out of hurt and anger, she spoke words that brought LIFE to me. She understood and she forgave. And she loved me. She loved me like Jesus loves me. She loved me when I didn't love myself. She loved me when I did not deserve it.
And it changed my life.
This is a beautiful picture of the body of Christ. I was so upset because I had screwed up. I was fully prepared to receive my punishment. And I got something TOTALLY unexpected. Grace. The definition of grace is “unmerited favor”. I certainly did not merit love that day. But I got it anyway. And it rocked me.
It rocked me because it was unexpected. I don't think that grace is ever expected. Maybe that is why it is so beautiful and powerful.
I am sure that we all want to find people like this - people who love us unconditionally. I'm unbelievably blessed to have found any such people in my life. The challenge for me is not to find more of these people in my life, but to BE one of these people.
When people love me when I don't deserve it - it changes me. When I love people when they don't deserve it - it changes them.
I want to change the lives of the people around me with love and grace.
I keep hearing all these songs, especially coming from Bethel about bringing Heaven to earth. I think that is what their revival thing is all about....finding ways to bring Heaven to Earth.
When I think about Heaven, I think about beauty, love, health, joy, worship, adoration, peace, wholeness.
What if that is what we are called to do?
I think that is what Jesus did. He walked around, and often the New Testament seems to say that he was moved by compassion to do something about the condition of the people that he met along the way.
Jesus did a whole lot of ministry on his way to do ministry.
I keep hearing people say things like, "I can't say that it is God's will that I would be healed". Its like they have this view of God that makes him some kind of sadistic God who puts us through pain to teach us a lesson.
I don't know if that is accurate.
I think that he can use pain for his glory because he can use anything for his glory. But I am not so sure that his plan for us is to put us through pain to teach us a lesson.
The enemy is the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Not God.
I think that part of the reason that God is so amazing is that he can even take the things that the Enemy does to cause us harm and turn them into something beautiful. It really does take the power away from him. He is a God of restoration and healing. He is in the business of reversing the plans of the enemy.
When Jesus walked around, he was bringing Heaven to earth. He was healing, loving, worshiping, obeying, serving, and restoring. He brought joy and added value wherever he went. If people didn't want him, he was a gentleman and left.
I think a lot about miracles and other powerful manifestations of the Holy Spirit and...well...to me they all seem like manifestations of love. We love the powerful ways that the Holy Spirit moves when he shows up but we want to turn it into a formula. (We want a formula so that we can be sure we are doing the right thing so we can see an outcome so we don't look like idiots) There is no formula except love.
When we love people, we are moved to compassion. When we are moved to compassion, we are then moved to action. And we don't get caught up in thoughts like, "I don't know if this will really work". It comes as an overflow of love. We don't need to chase some sort of formula. There is no special way to pray that brings the presence of God. When we are moved by love, then he shows up. Because God IS love.
I think that when we are moved from love to act on the behalf of love, then we bring Heaven to earth. If a miracle happens for our eyes or not...that is irrelevant. Love changes people. I think sometimes sickness comes from bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear in someone's heart. Love changes hearts. Maybe God doesn't heal them right away, but he provides avenues for healing. I have found that more often, healing comes as a process. As we lean into the love of God, he changes us from the inside out and healing is a by-product of Heaven residing inside of us.
Maybe this is what Jesus was talking about when he said that the path was wide but the gate was narrow. It is easy to proclaim the name of Jesus. It is harder to live Jesus. As an ambassador of Heaven.
We want a set of rules to help us know when we are on the right track. But no such set of rules exists. There are guidelines in the New Testament. But I think those are more like earmarks of living in love than they are a set of standards to live by. Like evidence of being a follower of Christ.
We don't chase the behavior....we chase the lover. When we chase the lover, behavior comes naturally. We don't search for the manifestation of the Holy Spirit - we seek the Father and the Holy Spirit shows up. We don't seek healing, we seek to love and healing happens.
I think our goal is to bring Heaven to earth. That is how the Kingdom spreads. Not by creating new subjects to rule over with rules and laws...but by creating sons and daughters empowered by Heaven to bring Heaven to earth.
There is no point in hoping for things. Hope only sets you up for disappointment. Hope is stupid.
I used to think that. I could not, for the life of me, understand why it was so great to hope for things. Every single time I dared to hope for something in my life, it never happened and I ended up hurt and disappointed. My solution: stop hoping for things. Hope felt hopeless. I felt hopeless. The future looked bleak.
I think that is what happens when we don't hope. I think that life just looks bleak. There is no point to hope for things because we don't believe there is anything to hope for. We don't believe we are worthy of a life where we can hope for something and have it actually come to pass.
The Bible says that Christ is our hope. (Heb 3:6, Col 1:27)
That is what sets us apart as followers of Christ. (one thing, anyway)
I am surrounded by Buddhist culture. I have been in the Middle East and Malaysia, completely surrounded by Islamic culture. They get so many things that we don't always get. Dedication, sacrifice, discipline, etc. But they have no hope.
One day, on Bangla Road, when I was here on the WR, a woman just walked up to me and started pouring out her life to me. She said that she hated her job. She was only doing it to support her son. She couldn't find another job that paid as much money and she just needed to make more money for her son. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that she prayed every day to Buddha for good luck and she never got any. It broke my heart. Now she just saw that she had to take care of things for herself. Buddha never gave her good luck and so she had to prostitute herself to make things happen for her son. There was no hope in that story. (I was able to share Christ with her and pray with her, but that is a story for a different day)
I think that Paul was on to something when he said that the three most important things were faith, hope, and love. They are all so connected.
I could never have hope in my life until I realized that I was worthy of good things. I could never believe that I was worthy of good things until I believed that God really loved me. I could not believe that God really loved me unless I had faith. There was no point to have faith unless it was faith in something that I needed....love.
In my life, I had decided that I was tired of feeling pain. So I just began to close myself off to anything that would lead to pain and disappointment. The problem with doing that...is that when you close your heart off to pain, you also close it off to joy. And so I was living this life where I didn't have much joy or pain because I had closed off my heart. Why did I do this? Because I decided that hope was stupid and I was tired of getting disappointed.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1
That verse always troubled me. Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen. Confidence?? That is risky. How can you be confident about something you have no control over? I always wanted to have faith. I always wanted to be a person who lived by faith. But I did not understand how to hope.
I, however, have never had a problem worry about things and being afraid of things.
“For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me, and what I dreaded has happened to me.” Job 3:25-26
I listened to a teaching from Michael Hindes and he used the above verse to illustrate how we normally manifest our fears. The thing we choose to focus on is typically what ends up happening.
I had a huge revelation in that.
Why would I choose to spend all my time worrying and fearing about things I have no control over? If I do that, I'm actually inviting them to happen. But...what if?? What if I actually dared to hope for something? I looked at Hebrews 11:1 again. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen". You can't have faith without hope. You can't hope without love. You can't have faith without believing that you are loved. And you can't love without hope and faith that God is who he says he is and that I am who he says that I am. It is all connected.
"This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary." Hebrews 6:19
Hope is the anchor. It keeps us calm in the crazy storms of life. It keeps us centered on what is important. It leads us into the presence of God. Hope is a great act of faith. It takes a great deal of courage.
So, lets be transparent for a minute.
Some things I am hoping for: a dog, community, an I-pod touch, women to be freed from the bondage of prostitution. (its ok that some of this is silly, yeah?)
It started on the plane ride over here.I was supposed to get stuck in a middle seat
for the entire flight.I was struggling
to be ok with that, and by the time I got to JFK, I really was ok with sitting
anywhere on the plane.I decided to be
grateful instead of whiny and negative.
When I was getting my boarding pass reprinted, the lady
asked me if I wanted a better seat.Eagerly, I said, "YES, if you can manage it".She said she would try and I gave it up to
the Lord.When I got to the gate, I had
literally forgotten about that encounter.When I was boarding, the ticket lady (I don't know what they are really
called) looked at me quizzically and asked if I was travelling with anybody
else.I said, "no, why?"I think we both figured out, at the same
time, that I just had gotten a new boarding pass.She took my old one and presented me with an
aisle seat!!I was blown away!
My Daddy had given me an amazing present, and I was so
grateful!
I am not a pauper, but a princess in the Kingdom of God.I can be ok with nothing but overjoyed with
blessings.And I deserve them, because
of my inheritance.I am co-heir with
Christ and what belongs to Him, also belongs to me.Sometimes it manifests in huge ways, and
sometimes it manifests in an aisle seat for a 14.5 hour plane ride.Isn't that rad?
Linda
There were 4 teams here when I arrived on Monday
evening/Tuesday morning.Linda was on a
church team from Montana.She had
suffered from back and knee problems for so long, that she just accepted it as
a part of life.She had scoliosis, a bad
knee, and some kind of degenerative disc disease.The doctors had told her that things were
never going to get better for her.
Before she came to Thailand, the Lord had spoken to her
about miracles.He had set an
expectation for her to see miracles on her trip.She was not so sure what that would look
like, but came expecting to see God move in miraculous ways.
A couple days after I arrived in Phuket, Linda was having an
especially hard time.She was laid up in
bed and was unable to get out.She said
it regularly took her 10-15 minutes to get out of bed, but that on this
particular day, her back was feeling much worse than usual.
I was brought in, along with a bunch of other people, to
pray over Linda.
About 12 people circled her bed and began to pray.I was content to just pray in my own heart
and mind.I didn't feel much need to be
vocal about anything.
A few people began to sing the song, Healer by Hillsong.
I
believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need/
Portion in that song, means inheritance.
And as soon as those words were sung, I felt a huge stirring
in my heart.
I looked at Linda, and I said, "This is NOT your
inheritance.This is NOT what the Lord
has for you".I told her that I felt
like she needed to accept the Father's love for her and as she did, he would
heal her.
So I prayed over her.
And then I got pulled out of the room for a meeting.
Afterwards, I found out that as she prayed and cried out to
the Father, he began a healing process.The prayer team that had surrounded her continued to pray and by the end
of their time - Linda was healed.
She JUMPED out of bed and DANCED before the Lord.
C'mon, Jesus.
Our inheritance
Hebrews 12: 14-29
We are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable.We are coming to the city of the Living
God.We are coming to the place where we
hear his voice and follow it.We are
coming to the place where the righteous ones have been made perfect through
Jesus.We are coming to the place where
Jesus mediates and calls for forgiveness and not vengeance.We are coming to a new place.A place we have never been.Our God is an all-consuming fire. And he is consuming all the worthless rubbish
so that what is leftover is unshakable.
I stood up from the hard, wooden pew and uncomfortably stared at my feet while the praise team sang the song, You Are My King (Amazing Love) by Newsboys. The preacher had just given the alter call and my chest was burning.
"But, I'm already a Christian", was my weak argument.
But my heart knew that the life I was living was not enough. It knew that there was something more. Something better. So...
I said YES
And I walked up to the front and "re-dedicated" my life to Christ.
May 2008
I saw Brady Denger or the first time since she was 13 (ish). She had just come back from The World Race, and I was enamored. I hung on every word as she told me about this amazing mission trip. She looked at me and said, ever so nonchalantly, "You should go". Of course, I had a thousand reasons why I could never do such a thing.
But my heart knew that there was something more. Something better. Something deeper. I wanted to find it. So...
I said YES
And I embarked on the journey that changed my life.
December 2010
I had just come home from leading a Real Life (now Passport) trip to Thailand. On that trip, I had re-visited a ministry that I fell in love with on The World Race. This ministry had invited me to come serve with them full-time. I left Thailand without giving them an answer.
One day, as I was praying and worshiping I felt the Lord tell me to commit.
I knew that He was calling me to a greater level of surrender, abandonment, and trust in Him. So...
I said YES
And I wrote the email that committed 2 years of my life to SHE Ministries in Phuket, Thailand.
And then...
As soon as I said YES to SHE Ministries, everything began to fall apart (in my eyes). Eventually, the Lord led me to move to Gainesville, GA to serve with Adventures In Missions for a season. The only problem was - I didn't know how long this season was going to be.
I thought that I had to give up on my dream - my commitment to SHE in order to serve AIM. I had accepted a staff position with AIM and the end of the season was no-where in sight. I was devastated.
Then I realized that God was asking me to give the dream back to him. See, I had been trying to make things happen in my own strength. I was trying to find a way to do it on my own.
The whole time I was striving, the Lord was waiting for me to give it back to Him. So...
I said YES
I said YES to the season I was in, even though it seemed totally opposite to what the Lord has previously spoken to me. And I gave my dream back to Him.
Sweet Surrender
As soon as surrendered my life, again, to the Lord, something amazing happened. He gave me my dream. Things for Thailand started moving forward for the first time in a LONG time.
Around the middle of September 2011, SHE Ministries contacted me and asked if I could be in Thailand in January 2012.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. I was scared to say yes. I didn't know if this was really it. The last time I said yes, I ended up in Gainesville, GA - which was NOT Thailand...
I felt like the timing was right. After consulting my spiritual leaders, and praying...
I said YES
There have been some roadblocks and there have been times when I thought that this wasn't really going to happen. But through it all, I just kept moving. I decided that faith moves forward when reason says, "STOP".
The money was not in my support account. I didn't even have enough to get a ticket. Even so, I quit my job and found a replacement in my apartment.
And about 4 days ago, God opened the floodgates. I met my initial support goal, and I was finally able to purchase a plane ticket! God is so good!!!
Yesterday, I was on the phone with a travel agent that I had spent the whole previous day looking at tickets with. She had found the perfect ticket. She asked me for my official "go-ahead" to purchase the ticket.
And... I faltered.
My brain went a mile a minute. Is this real? Is this finally happening? Oh my goodness - I am really leaving?? Am I really ready for this? Is this really the right ticket? Did I pick the right date? What if the small details don't work out in time?
But then I realized that God has been preparing me for this - for almost 2 years. He has provided exactly what I needed at just the right moments. I had chosen faith over reason and now was not the time to allow reason to overtake me. Up till that point, the Lord had not let me down. So...
I SAID YES
I gave her the official YES and she bought the ticket!!!!
I'm starting to see that every time I say YES to the Lord, my life gets a little more...interesting. I can only imagine where further YESes are going to take me.
Now I have a ticket to Thailand. I am leaving on
JANUARY 15th!!!
PLEASE PRAY!!
Pray for my:
visa to come through without a problem
flights to go without a hitch
continued financial support
heart as as I transition to Thailand. I'm leaving a lot of amazing relationships in America. And...sometimes Skype just isn't good enough.
the details involved in leaving the country. There are many small things that need to be taken care of.
Right now, my biggest need is for monthly supporters.
I am in need of people who will commit to support me monthly for the 2 years that I will be serving with SHE. Any amount would be a huge blessing to me. Please pray about partnering with me!
If you are interested in supporting me, please click HERE or
If you would like to
give by mail, please make check payable to Adventures In Missions, PO
Box 534470, Atlanta, GA 30353-4470. Please write Appealed by:
ThompsonAmanda in the memo line.
A couple months ago, I felt like the Lord wanted me to be still.
Be still and know that I am God.
So, in a spirit of obedience, I sat down in my room to "be still". I don't know what magical thing I thought would happen.... but it didn't. It was boring. And I felt...alone....with my thoughts. *OH THE HORROR!!! *
I'll spare you the details, but as it turns out, "being still" is NOT; watching Glee on Netflix, reading my Bible, reading any other book, listening to worship music, journaling, praying, walking, talking, or thinking.
After a day spent figuring out what being still is NOT. I gave up. Being still is hard. I'm no good at it.
As I was pondering my failure, something strange happened. I began to feel this strange, yet growing peace in my heart. It didn't make any sense. But when I surrendered my thoughts to it, I felt.... still, I guess. And a funny thing happened when I felt...still....my brain stopped worrying so much. interesting....
As it turns out - being still is not just about not moving. Being still is a heart position - not a physical one. I think it has a lot to do with rest....real rest. When we know who we are, and who God is, and we live by the promises he has made to us, we stop worrying. We stop thinking that we have to make things work out. We stop trying to find the one right path. Being still has a lot to do with trusting. Trusting who God says he is, who he says I am, and that, as his word says, it is all going to be OK.
About a year ago, the Lord placed 1 John 2: 7-8 on my heart.
"Dear friends, I am not writing a new commandment for you; rather it is an old one you have had from the very beginning. This old commandment-to love one another-is the same message you heard before. Yet it is also new. Jesus lived the truth of this commandment, and you also are living it. For the darkness is disappearing, and the true light is already shining."
When I read that, I realized that when we LOVE, the darkness disappears. Love, Light, and God are the same. When we love, we bring God into the picture. And darkness CANNOT stay.
C'mon!!! That's good stuff right there....
I kept reading and found more good stuff:
1 John 3:16
We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.
1 John 3:18
Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.
After I read these, the Lord said to me, "Real love is opening yourself up to be hurt, and loving through the hurt. And loving through the hurt is what heals your heart"
I have been chewing on that for over a year.
I have this picture in my head of Jesus dying on the cross. Go ahead....picture it yourself.
The Bible describes that as true love.
Jesus was hanging there. And by his choice, he was powerless over the situation. He just hung there. His arms were wide open. He was exposed.
And he was bleeding. (a lot, I'm sure)
I am continually learning that I can tell you all day long that I love you. It can even be coming from a place of sincerity when it is said. But if I'm not willing to hang out - wide open and exposed - with the possibility of *gasp* bleeding, then what kind of love am I professing?
Someone told me once that for my heart to be wide open, it has to be wide open. (profound, I know). She said that once you start to close yourself off to pain, then you are also closing yourself off to experiencing the fullness of love and joy.
That is an interesting and somewhat terrifying thought.
Love is patient and kind. It is not rude or boastful. It does not delight in wrongdoing. It delights when the truth wins out. It bears and endures all things. Love is always hopeful. It has faith. It lasts forever. (1 Cor. 13)
and sometimes, it just plain hurts.
Michael Hindes says that "Love is real love only when it's released unconditionally and risks being unrequited. Love cannot demand a return on its investment. Love must offer the object of its passion the liberty to choose to return that love. If no liberty to choose, there is no love, just control and manipulation..."
I think that it is really easy to love someone when you love someone and things are good. It is a lot harder when it becomes a choice to love someone. It becomes harder still when the choice involves something painful or difficult. It becomes impossibly hard when love is rejected.
The World Race has taught me to love in ways I never knew before. I learned to love when I didn't like. I learned to love when it was hard. I learned to pursue when I was not being pursued. I learned to love when I wanted to walk away. And I learned that when I loved from real love, then my actions showed it. I prayed for them, I sat with them, I invested in them... because I wanted to.
Right now, the decisions continue. I wonder what my life would look like if, instead of reacting to hurt by retreating or avoiding, I wrapped my towel around my waist and washed the feet of the other person. I mean, Jesus did it... Grace covers all, right? We say that... but what if it is actually true for others like it is true for us? And what if we are supposed to act like it? And what if acting like it is what actually heals our hearts?
whew.
I am currently on staff with AIM while I continue to prepare for Thailand. I am in need of your support. I need your prayers and I need financial support. If you are interested in doing either, email me or click HERE.
My sister introduced me to Casey Abrams, the adorable American Idol contestant who immediately captured my attention. I first saw him perform CCR's, Have You Ever Seen the Rain - and i. loved. it. He just stood there looking all adorable with his upright bass, sang beautifully, and I was intrigued.
Since I don't have television, I couldn't watch his performance on Wednesday. Today I decided to watch it on YouTube and I ended up sitting in front of my computer screen with my jaw hanging open. wow. I had never heard the song before...but this line reverberated in my mind for hours afterward.
"The greatest thing
that we could ever learn
is just to love
and be loved in return."
God has been trying to teach me that for a long time now.Why is it so hard?
For me, the easy part is loving, and the hard part is being loved. I could talk for a long time about that, but these are the main 2 questions I have: If God loves me and I love God, then how important is it, REALLY, to receive love from people? If God is all I need, then why do I need people, too? Those thoughts are just evidence that my brain rejects the idea of being loved. I struggle constantly, like I think many people do, with thinking that I have to somehow EARN love from people and from God.
It kinda messes me up to think that love is free.
A good friend of mine told me this, "love has no reason. it just IS. it's just GIVEN. if you had to DO something for me to love you, it wouldn't be love at all.... would it?"
.....I KNOW this with my head...but I don't know when my heart will understand....
**Side note: My car is awesome. I have my only quality alone time in my car because I can talk to myself or sing as loud as I want and there is nobody around to call me weird. I process well in my car.
my car thoughts for today
I get that God is love, and I also get that sometimes God uses people to show us how much he loves us. I wonder, however, if God is love, then is love also God? Is all evidence of love in the world also evidence of God? I mean, in that case, God loves me through the love of other people and when I don't allow people to love me, then I'm also not allowing God to love me.
...that's heavy...
Anyway, God is doing some deep stuff in me right now as I attempt to prepare for Thailand. I would appreciate your prayers!! No, seriously...I would. And I can't even begin to tell you what it means that you are still reading my blogs and following my journey... Thank you!
P.S. You should check out Casey's version of Natureboy before you go...its totally worth your time :)
There are almost 30 million people in the world today living as slaves. This trend is growing worldwide. No country has escaped this current abomination of justice. Thailand is a prime target for human traffickers. Life in the bordering country of Myanmar is difficult and illegal immigrants enter Thailand every day. They do not have Thai citizenship and become easy targets. Many of the villagers in Northern Thailand are very poor and are also easy targets for traffickers. The traffickers come dressed nicely with beautiful promises of education and jobs in exchange for the children. Sometimes out of sheer poverty and desperation, and sometimes out of greed - people sell their children to these traffickers. Because Thailand grosses $12 billion annually in prostitution and other sex trafficking ventures, it is a hot spot destination for traffickers. They bring women in from surrounding countries or the poor northern areas to work in brothels that serve either Thai men or tourists. Sex tourism is a huge part of the economy in Thailand and men come from all over the world to buy time with prostitutes.
When I first went to Thailand, I was not very well informed of these statistics. I went to Phuket, which is an island in the southern part of Thailand. We worked with a ministry called SHE (Self Help & Empowerment) that focused on the red light district of Patong. As part of our ministry, we went to Patong twice a day. The first time we went was to prayer walk in afternoons. This was a necessary preparation for the nighttime battle. We went back at night with the mission of creating relationships with the prostitutes and offering them a choice. For those we created relationships with, we would offer to take them to lunch at SHE. When they got there, former prostitutes who now work at SHE explain to them that SHE gives them a paying job making jewelry, teaches them English, provides a loving Christian environment, and offers them options for a better life. The women can come whenever they choose to come. There are stories of women who decide to stay after the initial meeting while others wait months before they show up. But at least they know that they have a choice.
As I went down these streets night after night, God began to break my heart for the entire situation. I began to pray for that area like I had never prayed before. I walked up and down the streets, praying for the glory of God to fall and for the whole area to be a place where God alone would be glorified. I had conversations with women that broke my heart. I had conversations with men that broke my heart. God was giving me His eyes to see the brokenness, the hurting, and the need for Him.
There is a lot of hopelessness in that area. There is a lot of hopelessness in Thailand. But when I go, I bring Christ with me - and so I also bring HOPE. I bring the love of GOD to one of the darkest places I have ever been. I believe that my prayers make a difference. I believe that my presence makes a difference. I believe that going, being love, and leading others to do the same can only bring change to a place described as "the pit of hell". I can't change the world by myself, but I can go to the places that need love and I can change one person at a time.
God has called me to work with SHE Ministries in Phuket, Thailand. After a lot of flipping out, arguing with God, sweet times of prayer, and eventually submission to his will, I committed 2 years of my life to this organization. I accepted a position as The Nighttime Outreach Manager. Some of my responsibilities include: hosting the short term teams when they come, showing them how to do ministry in Patong, leading times of worship and intercession, discipling Thai women that come to SHE, and anything else the Spirit leads me to do.
In going to Thailand, I will need approximately $24,000 for the 2 years of ministry to which I have committed. I will need about $2,500 to cover all of my initial costs (airfare, visas, etc) and $1,000 per month for the 2 years that I will be gone. Monthly costs will cover my living and ministry expenses. I am looking for people who would be willing to commit $10 or $20 a month to help get me to Thailand and for the duration of my time there. If only 100 people committed $10 per month, my monthly costs would be taken care of!! I am also in need of one time donations of any amount. I still need about $2,000 before I can leave. I need to get to Thailand in the first week of January. Would you prayerfully consider partnering with me to bring freedom to Thailand?
If you cannot give financially, and are still interested in supporting me, I could ALWAYS use prayer support. If you would like to commit to praying for me now and while I'm gone, let me know.
If you are interested in giving online, please click HERE
If you would like to give by mail, please make check payable to Adventures In Missions, PO Box 534470, Atlanta, GA 30353-4470. Please write Appealed by: ThompsonAmanda in the memo line.
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